Happy New Year: An Imaginary Overtone

July 17, 2015August 8, 2015 Phillip Vanarsdel

Disclaimer: Modifications have been performed to the dates in this story to protect the innocent. The names of the mythological creatures have been doctored as well.

The day, December 21st, 1989. A chilly morning with hints of pink tickle and a dash of bowl over in the air. A peace train’s horn blowing in the distance for all to hear crossing every interchange. Shades of earth tones fill the windows as organic wallpaper. A hangover quickly dissipates as nodes of fresh air fragrate the current car and seep into the nasal passages. This day shall soon be referred to as the beginning of a New Year.

The next setting being that of a pseudo coffee house effect. A coffee house with a nice half-square couch to which a lounge was required. This was unlike any other caffeine shop that I’d attended. This one had an open roof to which you could see the clouds form patterns and the stars played a story. With the roof open, it soon became a butterfly conservatory. Each butterfly was built in a different pastel color, soft and easy on the eyes. Though each of these creatures were different in color, together they became an individual unit.

Now Folks, there is where it got fancy with mental numbness. The colors, the unit, & the setting soon became a complete element in the formation of a pixie. This literary faerie spoke of different worlds and initiated fireworks. The words she spoke were that of wonder and grace. Every corner of my mind began to wrap around every syllable spoken from the lips of a light pink shade. The intensity of the two halves that formed a whole, in that single moment, created combustion reminiscent of the fireworks plowing into the skies. If only for a moment, seeming like an eternity, the world was at peace while standing still.

And it was so, a new year began. In my mind at least. I wonder why can’t we, as humans, decide for ourselves when “our” New Year may start. Why must we go on some prefabricated plan from Zeus. Who is to say that Aphrodite cannot decide or be an influence in our decision to begin now? What about Ashtart or even Venus? I’m not sure that in the proverbial Monopoly game of life that I’m going to allow Zeus to decide anymore. I’ve created my own New Year and it begins now. You decide when your’s shall transpire.

Morning has broken. A new year has begun. Should your’s commence on your own…
I bid a contented one to you and yours.

Idiocy Levels Unaffected Despite Shorter Stories

July 16, 2015August 8, 2015 Phillip Vanarsdel

I found a quick article that completely describes most of the world around us these days. Especially in the days of Facebook where people think that we give a crap about their cat or that they have a rash and a hammer toe. In reality, no one really cares. Sure we may say “ah, that’s terrible”, but there’s only so many “ah, that’s terribles” that I’ll give you before I just totally delete your ass. Let’s talk about something more important, more interesting, less bonor-shrinking unless, of course, it can bring me quick and massive money. At that point, if the price is write, I will live through your bullshit.

Idiocy Levels Unaffected Despite Shorter Stories

Written by The Sarcasmist

There is a growing movement of people using the term ‘long story short’ appropriately. In recent weeks there have been growing reports of long stories being shortened in order to save the listener’s time.

As is the norm, people use the phrase ‘long story short’ as a tool to make up for their boring blather and trick the ‘listener’ into thinking that the story was actually short; however, more and more people are becoming wise to this scheme and are refusing to listen to stories (which are inevitably stupid). As a response the blathering public has had to switch their approach, spewing their inane nonsense about the uninteresting minutia of their lives in short bursts. This has not reduced the amount of idiotic stories but has significantly cut down on the time spent listening to them.

Note: Human behavior is often interesting, sometimes amusing, but almost always idiotic. Please don’t subject others to what seems interesting to only you, like how your cat’s health problems are causing you sleepless nights, or by insisting to describe a half-hour situation comedy (which the listener has no interest in) scene-be-scene.

You farted in the elevator

July 15, 2015August 8, 2015 Phillip Vanarsdel

You farted in the elevator. I know it was you. You played it off like it was that Asian guy who got off at the 13th floor, but I’m sure it was you. When you first got on, I was totally stripping you down, with my eyes. Your beauty filled the space of our love box on a cable. The little delivery guy was holding some flowers, but your perfume made them smell like old diapers filled with indian food, by comparison. I was enchanted by your presence, imagining you rolling back my lengthy foreskin and smiling at the image of my perfect schlong. The swollen helmet shining due to being fully engorged with arousal. You can almost see your reflection in the slick, violet flesh. I was about to say something to you when I smelled it. A rank, musty air filled the elevator. My eyes burned and my nose wanted to hide under my balls. Your reaction was delayed as you thought about how to cover up your wrong-doing. Your face flushed with embarrassment as you finally made post-detonation eye contact with your victim, me. It was subtle, you may not have noticed, but the Asian flower guy shifted his vase of roses to be between you and him, just before the blast crossed the lift, to my face. My face melted like that scene where the Nazis open the Ark of the Covenant, in Indiana Jones. My nose carried your air-shit to my brain, my tongue held back a wet gag and a little bit of throw up in my mouth. My mind refused to handle the situation that my senses were trapped in. I wanted to pull my head off and beat you with it. You couldn’t wait one more, fucking minute to fire off that air-deuce. I guess the endless nights of unprotected, anal with multiple partners has loosened the purse strings on your hind port. I thought I heard someone blow over the top of a bottle, just before the reek of putrification reached my soul, was that your ass? The Asian guy glanced back at me like he was leaving someone in a burning building, as he got off. I returned his concerned look with a solid stare of confidence… It said,”I can survive this… Save yourself, Yung Chung!” The door opening had cut the percentage of sour air in the room and, in turn, saved both of our lives.
You attempted to play it off like it was the Asian, flower guy, but I knew. His farts probably are far more stinky, he probably eats some pretty fucked up shit.
I still think you’re hot, you just need a charcoal buttplug. Respond if you promise not to eat cabbage ever again.

Lunch Bucket

July 14, 2015August 8, 2015 Phillip Vanarsdel

74.1% of Americans are obese. With this, we are the 9th fattest country in the world. The United States is one big lunch bucket. So much so that even our pets are voted fat asses. 25% of American’s pets are considered overweight. Does a lard ass stop eating at some point and feed the rest of the Big Mac with extra sauce to his/her animals? We need to put the Jack in the Box Kangaroo Tacos (with or without sauce) down and grab some rabbit food. I’d like to compile a list of what might be making us “tons of fun” instead of blaming it entirely on the ol’ eating habit.

You might be a fat ass if…

Disease:
• You sit in the grocery parking lot (blinker on) waiting for that precious spot up front.
Cure:
• Get your cankle having ponderous ass to the back of the parking lot (or maybe next door) and start hoofing it up to the door. In most cases the doors open for you so you can save the arm workout for grabbing your FAT FREE milk.

Disease:
• Ordering full flavor/sugar soft drinks.
Cure:
• Order diet. I realize that Aspartame might kill you, but I’d venture to say it won’t have the chance to slice you before your porky thighs do.

Oh, there will be more.

Stay Tuned.

Here are the places to stay away from, so you don’t get contact fat. You’re welcome.

Fattest Countries in the World

More than 1.6 billion people in the world are either overweight or obese, according to a recent study by the World Health Organization. Here’s a look at the countries with the highest percent of overweight adults (people age 15 and over). People are considered overweight if their body mass index (BMI) is 25 or higher and obese with a BMI or 30 or higher.

Rank	Country	% Overweight or obese
1.	Nauru	94.5
2.	Federated States of Micronesia	91.1
3.	Cook Islands	90.9
4.	Tonga	90.8
5.	Niue	81.7
6.	Samoa	80.4
7.	Palau	78.4
8.	Kuwait	74.2
9.	United States	74.1
10.	Kiribati	73.6
11.	Dominica	71.0
12.	Barbados	69.7
13.	Argentina	69.4
14.	Egypt	69.4
15.	Malta	68.7
16.	Greece	68.5
17.	New Zealand	68.4
18.	United Arab Emirates	68.3
19.	Mexico	68.1
20.	Trinidad and Tobago	67.9

Source: World Health Organization.

Fulfill My Waffle House Fantasy

July 13, 2015July 13, 2015 Phillip Vanarsdel

This Sunday evening at 10pm, I’ll be sitting at the counter of Waffle House on Tunnel Road. I’ll be wearing clothing but underneath I’ll be naked. You’ll know it’s me because I’ll be eating Bert’s BEST bowl of Chili. Please note that Bert’s BEST is a large bowl of chili, smothered, covered, chunked and peppered. This clarification is important, just in case there is someone else at the counter eating a bowl of Bert’s Chili, which is just chili and not as good as Bert’s BEST.

After you identify me by my chili and also perhaps by my concealed nakedness, you’ll take the stool beside me. At first I won’t be sure it’s you and the anticipation will be a real thrill for me. When the waitress greets you… I’m not sexist it’s just statisticaly probable that your server will be a female because male Waffle House servers are very rare. Anyway, when your waitress greets you, you won’t need to review a menu because I’m about to tell you what to order and you’ll have it memorized. It may be a good idea to write this down on a small piece of paper and memorize while you’re driving to the Tunnel Road Waffle House. Ready? Good. You’ll tell the waitress you’ll have Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped. Curiously enough, topped means topped with Burt’s Chili. The other code words stand for melted cheese, grilled tomatoes, and spicy jalapeno peppers, respectively. I mention this because often times people don’t care for spicy foods, in which case you can substitute capped for peppered. Capped is the code word for grilled button mushrooms. Either way, I’ll still know it’s you. Yet just to be sure, in addition to the Hashbrowns, order a city ham biscuit from the DOLLAR$ MENU. Of course it’s possible that you may not like City Ham. The name itself can conjur unpleasant connotations if you think too long about it. This isn’t important though because you don’t have to eat it. It’s just something off the DOLLAR$ MENU that you’ll order it so I can be sure you’re you and not just someone else that happens to be ordering Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped.

After you order and only after the waitress has walked away, I’ll ask you if you’d like a spoonful of my Bert’s BEST Bowl of Chili. Don’t respond verbally, just looked me in the eyes, squint slightly in a seductive manner and then open your mouth, stick out your tongue and get ready for a spoonful of Bert’s BEST. Taste the chili, the sautéed onions, melted cheese, grilled hickory smoked ham and spicy jalepeno peppers. It doesn’t matter if you like the spicy peppers or not. You’re going to eat them and they’re going to be HOT! So hot your salivation may carry a little piece of grilled hickory smoked ham from the corner of your mouth down the precipice of your chin. Don’t wipe it off, let it drip.

When my body stops covulsing and my emotions return from sheer ecstacy, I’ll put a $20 bill on the counter. Then I’ll get up slowly and walk out the door. Never to see you again.
If this sounds like the kind of thing you’re looking for, email me to set up a time to meet. I know I said I’d be there tonight at 10 pm but if more then one woman shows up it would cause confusion. Also I’d like to make sure you’re not a weirdo before we meet.

Staycation

July 12, 2015August 8, 2015 Phillip Vanarsdel

I am writing this to inform everyone that next week, I will be taking off of work. Yep, that’s right, the whole god damn week. Ask me if I’m going anywhere. Nope, sure the hell not. It’s a Staycation. What I’m going to do is take this time off to catch up on the following personal items:

• Returning emails
• Returning Facebook Messages
• Returning Text Messages
• Returning Phone Calls
• Giving out hugs
• Tossing out compliments
• Various other Humanitarian induced deeds
• Doing unto others

Apparently, I must catch up on these things that are not business related. Never mind the fact that business pays the bills. Personal avoids anyone getting feelings hurt or feeling “put off.” This being said…

If you or someone you love has been the victim of me not getting back to you, DO NOT call Jim “The Tough Smart Lawyer” Adler, just wait until next week and I will “hammer, hammer, & hammer” it all out, then send you flowers.

Thanks,
Snowed Under

Disclaimer: This note took only a second to create as I copy & pasted. I originally wrote it while I was multitasking by being on the pot, pinching a loaf, cutting the cheese, and urinating, & finally creating a note for “use guyses” all in an attempt to save time and catch up on my life.

Continue to change and you will always evolve

July 3, 2015August 8, 2015 Phillip Vanarsdel

Today what’s on my mind is my daughter. As a father a loving father I go through periods of time when I wonder am I good enough or have I meant toward my daughter enough how to have I told her enough that I love her have I showed her the way to treat others properly I understand that my daughter is a representation of me and so I want her to be the best that she can be not only to represent me but also to represent her as she grows up and comes into her own and becomes a woman. Everyone has their own theory on how to parent a child how to parent a son how to pair and a daughter a lot of their opinions are based on how they grew a lot of them swearing that they would do things differently. A lot of them saying that they love their childhood and promising to make their child’s childhood the exact same way as if that was the best it was ever going to get for them. I like to take a different approach I like to be better than I was yesterday so I take that same approach when raising my daughter. I constantly learn from various ways. Be at the Internet be at a book be at another parent. If we don’t continually evolve then how can we expect anything to get better. We must continue to do things better than we did them yesterday in order to see the results that we covet. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Most of this fucking world is insane. I too can be insane at times but I try my best to evolve. I constantly look around and watch parents as they parent their children. I watch so I can learn the things not to do. I’m a bit uppity in the sense that I don’t think that most parents are doing it correctly. But then again am I doing it correctly? I think a healthy dose of second-guessing yourself as a parent can be good sometimes. I know that it keeps me on my toes. Question this. Question that. Always a question. Question it. Analyze it. Change it. Continue to change and you will always evolve.

Dictated but not proofread.

Extra 20% Off adidas End of Season Sale

June 27, 2015August 8, 2015 Phillip Vanarsdel

“This post contains affiliate links, and I will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on my links.“

There is still time to take advantage of adidas’ End of Season Sale! With the sale running until Tuesday, June 30th, you will be able to knock off another 20% off already low sale prices with code: EXTRA20. This is the best time to shop for Men, Women, & Kids as this sale will not last long. I’ve gone ahead and ordered my daughter some items for school and just put them up until August. This will give me the best deal on adidas and save a little coin in the process. There’s nothing like ordering some new clothes, stashing them in a good hiding spot, and then coming back to that hiding spot a couple months later and finding your stash that you had forgotten all about. I did that after I was able to Save on Kids’ Products at adidas.com’s End of Season Sale. I’ve attached some of my favorite adidas items below.

Funny story, the other day I showed up to my first game of kickball with some new adidas cleats I had bought the same day from adidas. It had been raining for 40 days and 40 nights here in Texas, so I thought I was being smart with metal cleats. I was running around the field like a crazy idiot trying to slip on my ass, but I wouldn’t fall. These metal cleats were the real deal. I was all feeling like I was the man and with these cleats, I would take down the other team. I’m not even sure if any one else was on the field, but this man and his metal cleats. Well, it turns out that metal cleats are illegal in the co-ed world of kickball. The ref was alerted of my style and approached me. He informed me that he could not let me play in these, but I could wear other shoes. Well all I had were my adidas slides, so I offered to play barefoot a la Shoeless Joe Jackson. The ref allowed and I played the rest of the game with no shoes and red dirt feet. We won.

Be a badass and get your adidas gear now while you can save 20%. Use code: EXTRA20.