Author: Phillip Vanarsdel

MoneyGrabber by Fitz and the Tantrums Lyrics

Phillip Vanarsdel

Fitz and the Tantrums Lyrics

 

“MoneyGrabber”

Don’t come back anytime
I’ve already had your kind
This is your pay back
MoneyGrabber
Don’t come back anytime
You’ve already robbed me blind
This is your pay back
MoneyGrabber

Your tear drops fade
and then I saw
your hands in the pocket.
‘Cuz you were always made to want it all
but now you got to make it on your own
This ain’t your home.
So I’m showin’ you the door, wave goodbye
now its time for you to go

Don’t come back anytime
I’ve already had your kind
This is your pay back
MoneyGrabber
Don’t come back anytime
You’ve already robbed me blind
This is you pay back
MoneyGrabber

Through rhinestone glass
All I see
You talkin’ double
Like the time you said could you buy it for me
‘Cuz I’m in trouble
Here’s my advice
I don’t pay twice for the price of a cheap dime whore!

Don’t come back anytime
I’ve already had your kind
This is you pay back
MoneyGrabber
Don’t come back anytime
You’ve already robbed me blind
This is you pay back
MoneyGrabber

One, two, three

One,
Is for the money
Two, is for the greed
Three, time that I told you
That you’re the one I just don’t need

Don’t come back anytime
I’ve already had your kind
This is your pay back
MoneyGrabber
Don’t come back anytime
You’ve already robbed me blind
This is your pay back
MoneyGrabber

 

MONEYGRABBER

MONEYGRABBER

Stop Procrastinating

Phillip Vanarsdel

tip-01-stop-procrastinating

My first tip on how to kick your own ass is to stop procrastinating. We all procrastinate…

• “I’ll get in shape tomorrow.”

• “I’ll start blogging tomorrow.”

• “I’ll find a better job tomorrow.”

• “When the time is right.”

These are all excuses that I’ve said or heard over the years. This is procrastination. What are we waiting for? If we wait for the perfect time, we’ll lose the opportunity altogether. The best time to get something done is right now.

I used to walk all the time because I didn’t know how to run. I wanted to learn how to run, but apparently I didn’t have the drive to push myself to do so. It wasn’t until I met this hot girl that was a runner that I decided to push myself to run. Now I run practically every day. In order to quit procrastinating, you need a motivator. A motivator could be anything. What motivates you? What do you want most? In my example, the hot girl was the motivator. We all need motivation. I like to think I’m self motivating, but that’s not always the case. We are wired to do something if we’re going to get something out of it. That’s our motivation. What will you get out of starting to run every morning? What will be the benefit for you if you start blogging every day? It could be possible that you start blogging every day, get a huge following of people, then get paid to blog. It could be possible that you become debt-free just by blogging. Is that something you’re looking for?

I’ve always wanted to box. It’s just one of those things that I wanted to do, but I didn’t really have the motivation to go out and do so. Sure we bought Groupon’s for boxing and ended up at the bar instead. That’s the first step, right? So what was my motivation? It appears that I needed motivation. I have wanted a bigger upper body, maybe with a few cuts. I saw some boxers that had the body shape I wanted with the abs at all, so this became my motivation for boxing. I got hooked up with a trainer named Chris Feist at Velociti Fitness and have been training with him for six months now. I’m no Hercules, but I have noticed a difference in my upper body. I have increased my stamina and my strength. All of this because I found my motivation and stopped procrastinating.

The best way for me to achieve this was to create a habit. We often times spend a lot of time breaking the habit. Now it’s time to create a habit. Make running your new habit. Start out with a run/walk for 15 minutes every morning. Before you know it, you’ll be running 5 miles a day. If you want those abs you’ll start doing it now. 

Aristotle once said “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” 

Here are 5 ways to stop procrastinating & learn how to create a new habit.

• Make reasonable quotas each day.

Get a schedule or a to do list and jot your tiny goals down for the week.

• Create behavior changes that lead you to another portion of your goal.

For instance, if you want to start blogging start with a handwritten note. Write notes to your friends and overtime this will encourage you to write more.

• Don’t have too many options.

Sometimes being boring in certain things is a good thing. Too many options can leave you feeling overwhelmed and will set you up for failure. Keep it simple. 

• Keep your goal in mind.

When you doodle, doodle that goal. Make it subliminal. Eventually it will be ingrained in your subconscious and you won’t even have to think about why it is you stopped eating sweets.

• Don’t give up.

You’re going to mess up. You’re going to backslide. It’s inevitable. The trick is not losing your momentum. Whatever you do, keep that goal in mind and you will achieve it.

These five steps should be a good start to help you stop procrastinating and achieve anything you want. I firmly believe we can do anything we put our minds to. If you want it, you got to believe!

I leave you with a quote from The Doors…

“The time to hesitate is through.”

How to Kick Your Own Ass

Phillip Vanarsdel

Over the past few years, I’ve had quite a few people ask me how I do what I do. How do I consistently evolve my body and mind even as I get older. They want to know how to always stay on top and continue to be a bad ass. I’m not perfect, but I am willing and able to change. To continue to getter better, you must be willing to change. Learning how to kick your own ass is awakening and tough. It’s not for the faint hearted. It’s not for the chicken shits and down doggers. If you’re new to this, there are usually some big changes to make immediately and then it’s all about fine-tuning yourself as you see fit. There is always room for change. I see that and I live by it. With people asking me how I do this or how I became the man than I am, I decided to write about it. If it’s important enough for people to see it from me, it’s important enough to write about and tell others. Perhaps in the process I can help myself be a better myself while helping others help themselves.

 

As you read my various blog posts and tips on How to Kick Your Own Ass, understand that there is not a fix all. This is not something that you will be able to change one thing and be bad ass. We are all a work in progress. You’ve got to understand and accept that before you can even change. No one is perfect. We’re all capable of change and we all depend on change. Without change, you will not evolve. If you do not evolve, you will stay in the same place and will limit yourself. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you’re wanting to be insane, there are other places you can go to do so. If that is your quest, this blog is a waste of your time. Feel free to move along now. There is nothing for you to see here.

 

If you’re interested in change and becoming a better you, well you’re in the right spot. I, Phillip L. Vanarsdel am on a constant quest to be a better man. I constantly question my own motives and actions. I ask myself why I do what I do. I fine tune myself on a daily basis to help myself be better. I want to be a better person. I hope in me writing about How to Kick Your Own Ass: A Guide to Being a Better You, I can uncover more ways to be a better person. I have many goals that I put off because of my procrastination. This blog is one of those goals.

 

Do you realize that if I would have started this blog a couple of years ago when I first thought of and procrastinated the idea, I could have been creating income with this blog large enough to pay my mortgage payment? My procrastination pisses me off when I think of instances such as these where I could have put my family in a better financial situation if I would have just got started right when I thought of getting started. Understand though, I have so many ideas daily that I would not be able to get anything done if I acted on every one of my new ideas. It’s tough to figure out where you should put your time and I hope to learn more about that during this self-building process that I will continue to blog about. Perhaps in 2 years from today, I will be able to write and speak a hell of a lot better while my mortgage is being paid because of it.

 

My goal for this blog is first and foremost, to become a better person overall. In turn, I hope to become a better writer and speaker because of this blog. As I become a better man, I hope for my readers to do so too as I write and provide the tools of knowledge to help you open your mind to change. I hope to meet more people in my quest to streamline the inside of Phillip L. Vanarsdel. I hope to hear people living a happier life because they were able to accomplish something new or get rid of some heavy baggage they’ve been carrying around for too long because you didn’t know how to let it go. You will learn things from letting go of things that do nothing for your mind to learning how to stop procrastinating. I will also let you know how to get into a routine of taking care of yourself physically with how to workout and how to eat. These things I want to know more about too, so you get to learn with me. I’ve got so much to say and I hope that you all will help me as well. I would love to hear what makes you tick. What gets you up in the morning? What keeps you motivated? I want to stay motivated throughout the entire day and not just right after my morning run. Perhaps I need an afternoon run as well to kick that afternoon motivation into high gear.

 

Those are just a couple of quick thoughts that I have about becoming a better me. Together we will explore these questions and more. I hope to see you on this journey to become a better you and I hope to lead by example as I become a better me. Stick around and you will learn How to Kick Your Own Ass and become a better you.

How to Kick Your Own Ass

Next Up in Learning How to Kick Your Own Ass:

Stop Procrastinating

 

Featured image from this How to Kick Your Own Ass brought to you from Soda Head.

Bigfoot – Imaginary Friend for LIFE!

Phillip Vanarsdel

 

So I not get much play lately. Try meet ladies in bar but no so good. See a piece of whistle bait and Bigfoot make move, me pretty smoove. Go to jukebox, put on Whitesnake nod along to ‘here I go again on me own’, Check fly, check mouth stink, order two white russians and saunter over. I say: ‘hello, this seat take?” Most time lady just run, scream, sometime pepperspray. Worst is when they do silent scream and vomit trickle down chin like hot fudge on sundae. How a guy supposed recover from that? Onetime girl friendly let Bigfoot sit. I figure things good to go so I mark her with musk so other suitor know “Stay Away, She Bigfoot!” NO GOOD! She allergic to Bigfoot stink and go into anaphalaxis. Now me on to web personals, Bigfoot write clever.

SEX: ALPHA MALE, JR. SILVERBACK
ETHNICITY: BIGFOOT/NATIVE AMERICAN
LOCATION: NEXT TO CRANBERRY BUSH AND STUMP
EDUCATION: DEVRY
LOOKING FOR: HOT SHEFOOT
OCCUPATION: FOREST GENTLEMAN

HEIGHT: 7’1″
WEIGHT: LOTS
EYES: SMALL
HAIR: MATTED, BROWN, GREEN MARIGOLD
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SAD AND LONELY
WANT CHILDREN: SMALL LITTER

ACTIVITIES: JAZZERSCIZE, T-BALL, DISEMBOWELING, TAXIDERMY, RUNNING FROM CAMERAS, FILTH HOARDING, CHILLIN’, CRYING SELF TO SLEEP

CELEBRITY I MOST RESEMBLE: GOD DAMN CHEWBACCA, MALCOLM JAMAL WARNER, MESELF, COUSIN IT FROM ADDAMS FAMILY

IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW: DOLLY PARTON’S UTERUS, ON A BEACH IN THAILAND READING SARTRE SO ME CAN BE DIPSHIT STEREOTYPE HIPSTER LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON HERE. AT SIX FLAGS EATING FIVE CORN DOGS BY FOUR PORT-A-JOHNS AT THREE IN THE AFTERNOON ON SECOND DAY OF JANUARY.

MOST HUMBLING MOMENT: ONETIME I WALKING DOWN RED CARPET AT FOREST CREATURE AWARDS AND I STEP IN DOG DOO. IF THAT NOT BAD ENOUGH SOME REPORTER THINK HE FUNNY AND SAY, “YOU REALLY PUT YOUR BIGFOOT IN IT NOW BIGFOOT!” SO I DO WHAT SEEM LIKE RIGHT THING AT TIME AND TEAR HIM HEAD OFF AND USE TO CLEAN FOOT. THEN I REMEMBER I NOMINATED FOR GOOD CITIZEN AWARD FOR ME GOOD WORK WITH KID WHAT WEAR HOCKEY HELMET ALL TIME. WHAT A PICKLE, WHAT A PICKLE.

WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME: HEY I LIKE EASY GOING GUY, KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME BUT CAN ALSO BE SEXY AS ALL GET OUT. GIVE GOOD BACK RUBS, SOMETIME MIGHT CRACK RIB BUT NOTHING THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPALE IN BUBBLE BATH NO FIX. I PRETTY CLEAN GUY TOO, FAMILY OF VOLES IN ARMPIT TAKE CARE OF BIGFOOT LICE, EARWIG, SILVERFISH, DUNG BEETLE, NITS, GNATS, EARTHWORM, TAPE WORM, GARTER SNAKE, WASP NESTS, ANT COLONY, TERMITE MOUND, CRABS, SCABS, SCABIES, SHINGLES, FOOT BITS, SHIT BITS, DINGLEBERRIES, PINK EYE, GREEN EYE AND SO ON. I SMELL LIKE COMPOST BUT COMPOST SMELL LIKE FALL AND FALL VERY NICE WITH PRETTY LEAVES AND PUNKIN’ PIE SO YOU JUST VISUALIZE THAT AS YOU DRY HEAVE AND EVERYTHING BE OK.

 

Bigfoot Imaginary Friend for LIFE

Stole My Bicycle Wheel

Phillip Vanarsdel

Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel,
I have a proposal.

For several days after you stole my 26″ rear wheel from my mountain bike, you caused me a dilemma. All I could think of were two options.
1) Buy a new rear wheel – This hardly seemed worthwhile because my bike only cost $25 from Goodwill when I got it and a new back wheel/tire will cost two to three times that much.
2) Buy a used wheel from the Division Flea market – We all know this is where stolen wheels go to find new homes. (In fact, I have searched here for my wheel to no avail.) While this option is cheap ($10), it would feel like I am benefiting from someone else’s misfortune. (Probably because I would be benefiting from someone else’s misfortune).

But then I had a brilliant idea.

Rather than buying a new wheel or a used wheel stolen from someone else, why don’t you sell me back my own wheel. I can pay you the $10 you would have made and then I can save the time and stress of finding a new wheel. If it makes a difference, I could even pay you in alcohol or whatever drug habit you were trying to feed.

We can even meet on the same corner where you took my wheel and make it feel all natural. You can walk by and say, “Hey buddy, I notice that your bike seems to be missing a rear wheel. Well, it just so happens I have an extra rear wheel right here with me. Would you like it?” And I can say, You’re right, kind sir. I am missing a rear wheel. That is very nice of you. It just so happens that I have $10 worth of alcohol, that I was going to use drown my sorrow about not having a bicycle wheel. But now that I have a bicycle wheel, I don’t need it. Why don’t you take it. And then we can both feel good about ourselves.

Please let me know if this works for you.

Sincerely
Josh

 

Stole My Bicycle Wheel

Need – A Night of Desires

Phillip Vanarsdel

Here is what I am in dire need of folks:

Need – A night of desiresI need someone to read bedtime stories to me. I mean, this job sounds easy, but I have a lot of demands that go along with it. Has anyone in their thirties ever wanted or considered something of this nature? It sounds so sweet, innocent, & relaxing. I could drift off just typing this post. I imagine it to be like this….

You: a smooth skinned, in shape, nasally pleasing woman. When you talk, it’s not annoying, though your tonal range can do just that, range. During story time, your tones remind me of Thom Yorke with rainbows in your speech. You shall read me something simple. It shall be a child’s book. Why, you ask? Well, my brain is so full of technology and more intense items than this. By the end of my day, I’m spent. By the time that everyone has asked me what will fix their device before pulling a simple reboot, it’s time to go, and my brain has melted.

When I arrive to my dwelling, I cannot think. This is where you and the adolescent tale comes in.

I need you to do the following:
(not in any particular order)

• Remove my boots
• Unlatch my shirt and take it down
• Make a comment about how my deodorant has stayed with me for the duration of my day
• Peel my socks off
• Unbutton my pants
• Push me onto the bed, so I can take a load off, pulling them off
• Have some boxer briefs ready for me to slide into unless, of course, you’re okay with me sliding under my uber soft sheets in the buff
• Have a toothbrush buttered up and ready with CloseUp®
• Hand me a oil free face wipe
• Pull up a chair, next to my head, and gently run your fingers through my hair not saying a word
• Begin the story
• Kiss my forehead and after you have fallen in love with me, tell me it will be okay and that you will be here for my charades every night.

I realize that the last one on the list may take a few days to realize, but it’ll come.

Now, if you are up for this gig. If you are some kind of patient person that finds pleasure in this sort of thing…

Please let me know.

It’s sight unseen on your end though I will be putting you through a screening process on my end. Oh, that’s not fair? I’ve finally realized what I need so who are you to tell me what the hell is fair.

Let me tell you this. I’m not some fatty fatty too too nasty man, but I know, you’ll have to take your chances here.

Please also provide a list of childrens books that you are good at reading and maybe even a few that excite you and bring hope to your life.

Goodnight,
Moon

obanion-paddle

Paddle

Phillip Vanarsdel

That’s right, a paddle. Lightly used. OK, not that lightly used. Not used on that many people, OK? Mostly just my ex’s bottom. And a bit on mine. I tried using it on a really freaky girl a few weeks ago, and that was it – the magic was gone. There was nothing there. I thought paddles were exempt from the typical breakup toy uselessness, but I was terribly mistaken. This thing is dead to me.

However, you can make my loss your gain! Seriously, despite my crippling emotional detachment from this paddle and my tendency to replace intimacy with alcohol, I can tell you this is one heck of a paddle.

It is made out of genuine 100% leather, and features beginner (smooth) and intermediate (studded) sides. It fits nicely in your hand, has a nice swing to it, and makes a wonderful sound in either beginner or intermediate modes.

Looking for anything fun, funny, or random. I’m thinking I’ll drop this thing off somewhere pre-determined, you can pick it up, and leave whatever we decide to barter for. Quite frankly this whole thing is a little creepy and weird. And awesome.

Sugary-O-Face

Sugary O

Phillip Vanarsdel

Currently, I’ve decided to state that I want to slightly lick the olive of your sugary face. I like to use the term “fat face,” but I will not here. If you ever deemed it possible to touch that precious face of yours, please bring an olive branch. Pardon me, I misspoke. Why didn’t I delete it then? Well, I didn’t want to. What I meant to ask you to bring was a palm branch. I believe that this would put off a better breeze while one may waft it my way. Waft? Indeed, I mentioned it.

So while I waft, pardon me, as I’m wafted….

I dream, but is it really a dream if it soon shall become free? Reality I say, is it a dream if I know that it will become reality? Well, are you gonna answer me?

I think that we all dream, in fact, I know that we do. Mine, however, shall morph into reality as soon specific time, unbeknown to me. I just said that, to use that. I know that it will be achieved very soon.

What are some of your dreams?

I’m not one that you could call a “believer” in modern day religious terms. I am a believer in plenty of other things. One that specifically drives would be that of fate.

Firm believer = yes, that’s me.

My day shall come and you can bet your sweet lily ass that I’m going to push harder for it to be sooner rather than the late. I shall overcome and abide by my morals by changing them every chance that I get. Every thought that enters my head is of the random variety. You should know that without even having met me, just yet.

My train is set to “all aboard” soon and I would like to meet some of the fortunate humans that I will be traveling with. Fortunate for me? Fortunate for you? I’m not a gambler, if I was, I’d say for us both…

I bring a lot to the table. On this particular trip, I shall bring no baggage. You, on the other hand, are free to to bring all of the luggage you deem appropriate so long as you have the clear understanding that I will be chunkin’ your shit out of the port hole.

Rude? Some may say so, but this is my fucking trip and I call “no baggage!”

Deuce.
E

Boxes in the Ground

Boxes in the Ground

Phillip Vanarsdel

Upon sitting at a funeral of an old friend today, I began to drift…..

The more I seem to age, the more family, friends, aquaints seem to drop. Is this part of the aging process? Will the new goal in life eventually become to make time to visit boxes in the ground across the nation of all the people that you once knew? Why must people pass on?
This specific time lost was due to lung cancer. Surely they’ve come up with a cure all for this, right? As many intellectual people there are in the world, surely someone have come up with something by now. They have, but…
The money is not in the cure. The money is in the medicine that you have to repeat everyday.
Me, myself, PV, if you will, plans on living forever. I do. I realize that as a child, I began to realize that I am some sort of superhero. I look normal on the outside, yes. That remains true. The inside, well this is where it all happens. This is what allows me to perform anything I could ever possibly put my mind to. I know this to be a true assessment simply because my mother told me so, years & years ago.
Why must people go and why must others have to mourn? This shouldn’t have to be any part of life. Why does life have to be such a fucking bitch in this manner?
I realize that if we all lived forever, this massive rock would become pretty fucking crowded, but…
as a side note, I may mention that it may boost the economy a bit with all of those extra workers all over the world. I’m betting that since everyone would be so giddy that the grieving process had dissipated in their lives, greed would somewhat vanish as well.
I mean people. Can you even fucking imagine having the confidence that you would never lose anyone ever again? Can you really fucking fathom this? What if we could all live forever ad maintain not taking advantage of one another. No taking for granted. None of that junk.
Have you began to cry yet? I almost shed one at that second. I’ll be back.