This Sunday evening at 10pm, I’ll be sitting at the counter of Waffle House on Tunnel Road. I’ll be wearing clothing but underneath I’ll be naked. You’ll know it’s me because I’ll be eating Bert’s BEST bowl of Chili. Please note that Bert’s BEST is a large bowl of chili, smothered, covered, chunked and peppered. This clarification is important, just in case there is someone else at the counter eating a bowl of Bert’s Chili, which is just chili and not as good as Bert’s BEST.
After you identify me by my chili and also perhaps by my concealed nakedness, you’ll take the stool beside me. At first I won’t be sure it’s you and the anticipation will be a real thrill for me. When the waitress greets you… I’m not sexist it’s just statisticaly probable that your server will be a female because male Waffle House servers are very rare. Anyway, when your waitress greets you, you won’t need to review a menu because I’m about to tell you what to order and you’ll have it memorized. It may be a good idea to write this down on a small piece of paper and memorize while you’re driving to the Tunnel Road Waffle House. Ready? Good. You’ll tell the waitress you’ll have Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped. Curiously enough, topped means topped with Burt’s Chili. The other code words stand for melted cheese, grilled tomatoes, and spicy jalapeno peppers, respectively. I mention this because often times people don’t care for spicy foods, in which case you can substitute capped for peppered. Capped is the code word for grilled button mushrooms. Either way, I’ll still know it’s you. Yet just to be sure, in addition to the Hashbrowns, order a city ham biscuit from the DOLLAR$ MENU. Of course it’s possible that you may not like City Ham. The name itself can conjur unpleasant connotations if you think too long about it. This isn’t important though because you don’t have to eat it. It’s just something off the DOLLAR$ MENU that you’ll order it so I can be sure you’re you and not just someone else that happens to be ordering Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped.
After you order and only after the waitress has walked away, I’ll ask you if you’d like a spoonful of my Bert’s BEST Bowl of Chili. Don’t respond verbally, just looked me in the eyes, squint slightly in a seductive manner and then open your mouth, stick out your tongue and get ready for a spoonful of Bert’s BEST. Taste the chili, the sautéed onions, melted cheese, grilled hickory smoked ham and spicy jalepeno peppers. It doesn’t matter if you like the spicy peppers or not. You’re going to eat them and they’re going to be HOT! So hot your salivation may carry a little piece of grilled hickory smoked ham from the corner of your mouth down the precipice of your chin. Don’t wipe it off, let it drip.
When my body stops covulsing and my emotions return from sheer ecstacy, I’ll put a $20 bill on the counter. Then I’ll get up slowly and walk out the door. Never to see you again.
If this sounds like the kind of thing you’re looking for, email me to set up a time to meet. I know I said I’d be there tonight at 10 pm but if more then one woman shows up it would cause confusion. Also I’d like to make sure you’re not a weirdo before we meet.